nickelback makes baby jesus cry

17 Sep

When I was a young lass, I’ll admit I enjoyed “How You Remind Me.” And perhaps the song “Hero” from the first Spiderman soundtrack. But then again, I used to wear skirts over jeans and couldn’t eat green vegetables without hollandaise sauce. Now I know better – steamed broccoli is delicious, skirts over jeans look utterly ridiculous, and Nickelback sucks major ass.

I’ve avoided this subject long enough, because I made myself not change the radio station when a Nickelback song came on today while I was driving home. The song was called “If Today Was Your Last Day.” Now, it sounds like a perfectly acceptable idea for a song. Living your life to the fullest, telling everyone that you love them, and bungee jumping – if that’s what you care to do before you die. But in song form, you’d figure a band would bring new ideas to the subject, eloquently and creatively addressing “your last day.”

Nope.

These are some of the lyrics. Seriously.

“Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’re never living twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life”
–“If Today Was Your Last Day”

Could they have included any more cliches in one stanza? They might as well have sang “carpe diem” if that’s the direction they were going.

I think I can truly say that those are some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard. At least “do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips” is creative. It’s retarded, but you’ve never heard someone say that before 3OH!3 sang it. Nickelback just sucks on all levels.

First of all – all the songs sound the same. Go HERE. It proves my point. There’s no hook, nothing original, nothing worth remembering, and surely nothing worth covering. At least seriously. WAS did a cover of “Rockstar,” but they did it to be ironic. And for some reason, Nickelback has slowly morphed from a late-90s pussy rock band to a late 00s douche rock band. My dad, bless his heart, actually purchased a Nickelback album a few years back – and it was the one with the dirty sexist song “Figured You Out.”

“I love your lack of self-respect
While you’re passed out on a deck.
I love my hands around your neck.”

Really? That’s disgusting. Way to fail, Nickelback.

And again, with “Animals.”

“You’re beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze
It’s hard to steer when you’re breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears
By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth
‘Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch
It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch”

I don’t necessarily have a problem with sexual metaphors. Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” is outrageously blatant, but the analogies aren’t LAME. Who compares their member to gears?

Nickelback doesn’t even try to look the part anymore. At least Chad Kroeger used to have the blonde jesus/curly Cobain look back in 2001. Now in all their videos, they’re rocking tight shirts and straightened, groomed coifs. What kind of rock band is that? They look more like a country group than anything else. And I’m sure with how shallow the lyrics are – they would appeal to country fans more than rocks fans. As well as naive tweens who wouldn’t know Joe Perry even if he performed on the VMAs with Katy Perry. Oh right, he did. No 13-year-olds, Joe Perry isn’t Katy’s dad or uncle – he’s in fucking AEROSMITH.

But back to Nickelback. They’re the epitome of prepackaged, commercialized radio “rock.” It’s sad that they are the picture of what is palatable to the American mainstream. Are they even remotely popular around the world? I don’t know, but from how long they’ve been around in America, it shows that people are still buying their records. What’s the point? It’s the same shit that was on the last album. On their Wikipedia page, the genres listed are: hard rock (LOL), post-grunge (such a vague genre, but I guess it fits, because Creed is listed as post-grunge, and they suck even harder), alternative rock (no, Weezer is alternative rock. WAS is alternative rock. Nickelback is NOT alternative), and alternative metal (Tool is alt metal. Fuck you, Wikipedia.)

I feel like Wikipedia shouldn’t sugarcoat it and just describe Nickelback like they are – douche rock, commercial crap, prepackaged rock.

I know I’m not going to convince every fan that Nickelback are the Dukes of Suckingham, but I’m okay with that. Just as long as I find each and every one of them and stifle their record-buying abilities in some way, we will have won. If no one spends money on the crap, Nickelback will eventually go away into the oblivion that Creed currently rules.

Won’t that be nice?

❤ Abby

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