I feel all jello-fied

3 Feb

That’s what Benadryl does to me. I’m obviously not going to work out tonight, because I’ll be going to bed earlier tonight. Damnit. I can’t. I have to study.

But why am I konked out on Benadryl right now? Well I had my IV treatment today, which wasn’t of my knowledge until this morning at 11:30. Yesterday, Mom told me it was on wednesday, which wasn’t the best day anyway, since I do have a mid-term tomorrow. So having it today had its perks and downfalls. For one thing – I didn’t have to miss my mid-term. But on the other hand, I missed like 6 hours of study time. And I’m hella tired. And I was going to deposit my checks today. I have four paychecks again to deposit – two from school and two from Petco. Apparently when I went to say hi last week with Lucy, I had one last paycheck from the last sunday that I worked. And my paid time off as well. So about $250 total. Pretty badass, I know.

But I honestly can barely hold my head up. I probably should have got some coffee, but Diet Coke will have to do. It has caffeine.

With how much time I had to think today, I probably over-thought one thing: WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? I was referring to my future. My career. The dying business. It’s freaking me out, because I’m not someone who needs to live a fancy life. If I got Wi-Fi, I’m good. But the things that I have to do to keep me healthy is what’s scaring me so much. I don’t want to to have to live off my parents for the rest of my life because my job won’t be able to pay for my treatments. I don’t even know how much my IV treatments cost, but I just know that if we had any other insurance besides my Dad’s, we’d be screwed. Dad’s been with Boeing for 30 years, and we were so lucky that he wasn’t laid off in the aftermath of 9/11, but the thing about his job – people will always fly. No matter how bad the economy is – people will always have to fly.

I don’t want to have to give up what I love to assure that I can pay for my medical bills. I don’t want to have to enter into something that I don’t l have a passion so that I can stay healthy. The lady in charge of checking my blood pressure today asked me if I ever considered being a nurse since I know so much about my disease. I haven’t, because I’ve seen enough doctor shows to know that I don’t want to be responsible to someone’s life. I don’t want to deal with sick or dying people all the time. It would be definite downer.

So…
I don’t want to be responsible for human life.
Math frustrates me.
Money frustrates me.
Technology frustrates me…when it doesn’t work.
I’m not focused enough to fix things.
Retail sucks ass.
I don’t have enough self-confidence to do much in front of large group of people.
I’m not patient enough to relearn to play an instrument.
I’m not creative enough to design clothes, or make innovative food.

This could have been the fact that I’ve always had my heart set on writing for a career, that I didn’t broaden my horizons as much as I should have. The things that I’m thinking about right now are tentative, and completely hypothetical. And most of them involve moving to another region of the United States.

Music Magazine – whichever one, it doesn’t matter. (Because magazines still seem more economically sound that regular newspapers.)
Something in politics.
Make movies (screenplays, editing, documentaries)
Writing for television.
Working for a record company (not as a musician).
Photog.
Designer (publishing).
Pitchfork Media.
Work for publishing company (editing and such).
And I could always write novels on the side.

Help me please, if I missed some genius idea, one that may be a better idea, fill me in. These are just my thoughts. Like I said, I had way too much time to think today.

Sea of Glass – Tom Middleton
Witness the Fitness – Roots Manuva

❤ Abby

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2 Responses to “I feel all jello-fied”

  1. Anthony (Tonyhan) 02/03/2009 at 11:43 pm #

    Hello Ms. Abby

    Reading this reminds me of where I’m at in my own life. Talents in writing and English and no idea how to make money out of it. Though in my case, I thought I could rely on joining the Army to help me out.

    With that option gone, I’ve been looking at some of the same fields you’ve mentioned, including publishing, media reporter, or anything that is suitable for an English major. I suggest you also look into law school if that seems appealing to you. That seems to be where I’m headed — something about debating and arguing things seems to be what I’m good at. Perhaps this would work for you?

    The thing to remember is that society always needs writers of every type. Companies need them to make policies and plans, media needs them for stories, and politicians need writers for…whatever it is they do (I hear they write laws, but sometimes I wonder).

    So it’s a matter of finding out “where do people need skills that I have, and more importantly, how do I make money from it?” Writers gotta eat too.

    Also, you should indeed try authoring a book — novel, nonficiton, your opinion on how the world works, whatever you feel like writing. You never know if that notebook full of words and ideas will make you millions. Worth a shot, anyway.

    Just my $0.02. Hope you find what you’re looking for!

    • abbigshmail 02/04/2009 at 12:21 am #

      Thanks so much Anthony! I am currently writing a book. It’s in the first stages, very much so, but I’ve written over 40 pages of it so far, so I’m going to finish it.

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