Archive | 4:44 am


14 Jul

And no, this doesn’t have to do with the Bible. Come on, you know me.

But this does have to do with a higher power. A higher power that controls the universe, and everything in it.


Fate has brought me to where I am today, and I’m not a religious person, but I believe in fate wholeheartedly. Why? I just realized something yesterday…well, actually today, since it was about 2 in the morning when i realized it. I was checking my mom’s email yesterday about my cousin’s itinerary for when she comes and visits in August, and I found an email that she got from Derek a few days ago. It was in response to an email that she sent him just over a year ago when I graduated. It basically told the story of when we moved into this house, and how we came to stay here, after moving in when Libby was ten days old. Mom and Dad didn’t expect to stay in this house for 16 or more years. And then Mom told Derek that she came to realize something–that fate brought us here. The reason, that mom said, that was stayed here was so that I could be apart of Outlook and meet Derek. She ended the email with “Thank you for being what she loved about high school.”

She’s right. I believe that we stayed in this house, in this annoying town of ours, so that we could meet all the wonderful people that we have, and so that I could be apart of the greatest thing I’ve ever accomplished in my short 19-year life so far. High school alone did not change my life. Outlook changed my life. Without it, I don’t know where I’d be right now. I don’t even know if I would have been motivated enough to go to college.

Derek emailed mom back the other day saying “Just so you know, I will keep this email forever.” And it almost brought years to my eyes thinking about how relevant that email is now, still, and how it will be forever.

Everything happens for a reason, I say, and today, especially, it dawned on me.

As Ryan and I were falling asleep at like…3 am, we stayed up late talking, I thought about my time at St. Martins, and how not fulfilling it was. When I had my meltdown in October, I told myself, “I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here.” I wanted to leave. I wanted to quit right then and there and start over, but I stuck it out through the whole year, with all the dorm drama, all the ridiculous teachers, and rapist on the loose, and the dozens of hypocritical Catholic drunk sluts.

Ryan helped me realize that I stayed there for the whole year so that we could be together. We didn’t happen until literally the last 2 weeks of school. If I would have left, I guarantee that I would still be single, stuck working at Petco, taking more than one class at TCC right now, and unhappy.

But I went through all the unhappiness this year so I could be happy now, which I am. Very happy.

I also believe in karma, and that when you do something good, something good will come back at you. But sometimes, karma is fucked up as well. I hope it isn’t so fucked up that it does something so terrible that I don’t even want to divulge into it, it just makes me too sad to think about it.

I should go. I think I’ve said enough for today. I’m incredibly tired right now, because, like I said, we didn’t go to sleep until 3 am.

❤ Abby