Stay where you are

12 Jun

This will be a self-reflective blog. I probably didn’t need the disclaimer, but I’d like to warn you that this one’s personal.

The title of this one comes from an Ambulance LTD song, that ironically played during an integral part of Grey’s Anatomy…I know, it’s sad. But it’s true. It came in season 2 in episode 17, “(As we know it)”, as in the episode after Meredith stuck her hand in a body cavity, holding onto a bomb. It was a pivotal time in her life, thinking that she may die, that she may never get to be a resident and marry Derek Shepherd, the love of her life. Okay, so I’m being a little over-dramatic and ridiculous, and I’m not really so much connecting with the scene, but with the song.

Stay where you are.

Don’t leave.

Don’t change.

Stay where you are.

I thought last summer was hard, when I actually graduated, but the fact of the matter was, everyone was still here. We were in limbo, waiting to start college, still living like we were kids. But now, the second summer after high school, here we are. Adults. WIth jobs, and lives away from our childhood and high school friends. It’s all coming on so fast.

First, I get a full-time job, 5 days a week, with little time to myself. Two days off, one kind of devoted to seeing my boyfriend Ryan in Lacey, which is a fine drive, I’ve gotten used to it by now. Next, I find out that one of my best friends, Caity isn’t coming home for the summer, which leaves me for the summer without our movie parties and laser tag nights and visits back to Outlook. Speaking of Outlook, the third one is pretty hard for me. Derek is leaving Outlook. Leaving PHS and finding a new job up around Seattle. I know he did it for a good reason, and I’m proud of him for it. But it still hurts. I just can’t imagine how hard it was for this year’s Outlookers to hear. I don’t even want to know. The next couple of things just came on today.

Laura, my best friend of 10 years is working at Mt. Rainier for the summer, which is only a couple-hour drive, but still. We won’t be able to talk at all. She will have no cell phone reception and barely any internet. I’ve never been this far away from her for so long, and it will be hard. My friend Sarah, who I recently reconciled with, is spending the summer working in Colorado. So I’ll have Andrea and Cassie. Thank god for Andrea and Cassie. I won’t have anyone but my family and Andrea and Cassie within 10 miles to turn to when I’m in need of some time away from work. It’s not like I’m turning away my other friends, it’s just not the same as having everyone here together. Michael’s staying at school, Caity’s gone, and everyone else has jobs here at home.

Life just caught up with me. And it scares me to death. I feel like my hand is on the bomb in the body cavity, trying to decide what I’m going to do, try to hold on to my past, which I’ve always done, or let go and move on, pull my hand out of the body cavity, but risk killing everything I knew. Risk losing the things that I love and what I’ve always loved.

I don’t know where these tears came from. I think Julia did it tonight. It was the night of musical theater and the song that she sang made me cry. Libby’s did too. She sang “Imagine.” It was amazing. But you know when you start to cry and you can’t really stop? When something sets you off and then you start to think of everything else that makes to cry, and it’s all put into one tearfest? It was the senior’s last day yesterday, and it reminded me of when I had my last day. And how it really wasn’t my last day.

Everything’s changing again, and the remodel at work is just rubbing it in. Target’s remodeling, Petco’s remodeling, life is remodeling.

Stay where you are please. Or preferably go back 8 months. Go back to 8 months ago when we were still all together and still kids.

Just stay where you are.

❤ Abby

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