Eh, screw it

1 Dec

So fine. I have horrible will power. But hey, I’ve already come up with my new years’ resolution. First, I’m going to write a book, not a whole book in one year, mind you, but I’ll start one and be determined to finish it. And my second resolution-to call Smith Derek from now on. I know, I know. It’ll be hard. But I’ve made pretty good progress so far.

But anyway, why I actually decided to write.

Dane Cook.


Andrea, Libby, Chandler, my Uncle and I all went to go see Dane Cook last night at the Key Arena. Let me tell you, it was pretty darn awesome. It didn’t start on time…in fact, it started 45 minutes late. People trailed in so late it was ridiculous. People started the wave to get him to come out, people were stomping “DANE DANE DANE!” In other words, people got antsy. (You see how I avoided “needless to say”?) Anyway, we were pretty high up in the stadium. But it eventually filled up, about 40 minutes in. He started off with a crazy video with all the people who sent in pictures of their SUper Finger. Funny thing was, my mom asked later in the night, “did he have an opener?” Ha! Dane Cook needing an opener? No. Obviously not. He freaking filled up 15,000 seats. He’s like a rock star.

He started off talking a lot about holidays, which was nice, because it’s near the holidays. He didn’t include that on the Madison Square Garden Live Album, which is what kinda sucks about listening to comedians on CD. You never get the same act twice. And trust me, nobody will ever see this act again.

About 15-20 minutes in, I can’t for the life of me remember what he was talking about, but this guy jumped on stage. Seriously. He came out of the audience and jumped on the giant, circular stage with the SUFI emblem. At first, I wasn’t sure if this was apart of it or not, but when Dane got all freaked out and said “dude, calm down, get off the stage,” I figured that it wasn’t planned. So the security guards get on the stage and take the guy…and his girlfriend away! I thought to myself, “what an asshole! If you were gonna be that stupid, why not wait until the end to get the whole show?” After that Dane was all “so, now there’s this weird silence in here like right after Daddy hit Mommy at the dinner table. You guys wanna talk about this or what?” Everyone cheered and then he went on.

“I bet that guy’s ultimate aspiration in life was “I wanna trade shirts with Dane Cook!” Because the guy actually started to take off his shirt and wanted to trade with Dane…ON STAGE! Kinda weird, but hey, that’s Seattle for you.

I’m not sure if this whole show was as funny as Vicious Circle, but it was way more sexual. Dane talked a lot about condoms, herpes, possible pregnancies, and pretty much everything sex. Let me just tell you, our new euphemism for sex is “You’re not gonna borrow his chapstick!” For myself, I’m never gonna look at lip balm and Cold Stone the same again. Never gonna have the “Gotta Have It” size again. I honestly felt bad for my Uncle, because the seats were quite cramped, and I could tell in his face he was thinking “holy shit my niece is listening to this!” My sister’s 15, she can handle a handful of f-bombs and some talk of condoms breaking. Dane had a whole noble purpose anyway. After his whole pregnancy shpeel (I know that I didn’t spell that right) he said “Practice safe sex!”

At about 9:30 ish, he went off stage for the first time. People started filing out, thinking that it was over. Dumbasses.

About 2 minutes later, Dane ran back onstage for his usual encore. Honestly, most comedians don’t get encores from almost 15,000 people. That’s saying something. So he came back out to talk a little more, and he goes into one of everyone’s favorite jokes, the atheist sneezer. As soon as he mentioned sneeze, the crowd started cheering. It was awesome. But after that, he ended with “you guys know what my worst favorite sound is EVER?!” Then a car alarm came on the loud speaker. I could hear almost everyone yelling “hellllooooooooo! I’m a caaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrr! Back seat….trunk space!”


Actually, $30. But worth every penny. And Dane Cook is one hot man.


I don’t think that there’s anything else worth writing about right now. It was nice to head into paste-up for about 5 minutes and see Heidi and Mary Rose and Derek (I didn’t even hesitate writing it!)…and everyone else.

❤ Abby


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