Not because of the sheer amazingness of the VMAs, but because of the sheer amazement I had when I saw Britney Spears walk on stage to perform her new single, “Gimme More.” More what? More clothes? More bad hair extensions? More stupid career moves? I think you’ve had enough of that Britney. But SERIOUSLY people, she must have been drunk or something, because I’m not even sure she knew where she was. The Britney I remember had some kicking dance moves, or at least energy on stage. I could have evoked more energy, and I bet I weigh about 50 pounds more than her. She has put on some weight, and she looks somewhat normal, but she’s Britney Spears, she’s not supposed to be normal. So basically, Britney, you suck.
So Britney wasn’t the only thing bad about the VMAs. But I didn’t realize how much I didn’t listen to mainstream music anymore. I hadn’t heard of half of the songs that were up for awards tonight. I’d never heard the supposedly amazing Shakira and Beyonce collaboration. The only person I really respected winning was Justin Timberlake, because he’s an actual musician. But it drives me crazy having Timbaland following him around all the time. I mean, come on Justin, you have enough fame for yourself. And you’re way sexier. I’d like to “go home with him” tonight. Whoa. Anyway. Rihanna has surpised me at well. For how young she is, and how dirty the metaphors in her songs are, they are pretty catchy, and it takes a lot for me to listen to some 20 year old R&B singer from Barbados. I’m a music snob, I’ll admit it.
Technical difficulties and slipped-up words pervarded the whole night, starting with Pete Wentz announcement for the deaf. Alicia Keys at least saved it with her articulate hosting. Speaking of Alicia Keys…PRAISE ALICIA! She had by far the best performance of the night, which I expected, because she never disappoints. It was a little predictable, but a predictable performance from a great musician is better than a surprising one from a former star… coughBRITNEYcough.
Back to the mediocre-ness. I think it was Miss Teen USA, but she should never be allowed to speak in public again. She sounded so absolutely rehearsed and retarded reading off the teleprompter. But Sara Silverman should host everything from now on. Come on, you knew she you were thinking everything she said. I’d seen her host the Independent Music Awards before, and she was pretty damn amazing. “Her babies are as cute as the hairless vagina that they came out of.” Who else would have the balls to say that? And Sarah doesn’t even have balls.
But probably the most surprising part of the night was that I actually enjoyed Chris Brown’s performance. Normally, I would have switched the radio from one of this numerous singles with absolutely no actual meaning behind them, seeing that he is only 18, but his Michael-esque dance moves were pretty nifty. I liked how he started off as a dancing puppet, it was an interesting way to get the audience interested. He couldn’t lip sync to save his life, but his pelvic thrusts could get him out of the some pretty sticky situations (and into some if you’re into that).
Okay, so there were some good things about the show, including the fact that Mark Ronson (<3!) was the house band. I always wondered why the better artists got the job of house band, like last year, it was the Racontuers, which includes one of the most visionary guitarists of our generation. But even with the adorable DJ providing the soundtrack to the night, the biggest mishap that MTV made was not holding the show at Radio City Music Hall in NYC. I mean, the Palms? Miami was just as bad 2 years ago, but this year’s show included random house parties on different floors, with interfering performances from the Foo Fighters, Fall Out Boy, Justin Timberlake and Kanye West. I, personally, was very angry with Dave Grohl for agreeing to play this year. Dave, you are one of the greatest drummers of our time, and you’re playing a random suite party for the network that “killed the radio star.” Shame on you.
So, this year’s Video Music Awards pretty much sucked. Hands down. Rihanna won video of the year, hooray for her. If y’all can remember, Panic! At the Disco won last year. What happened to variety? The most alternative nominee I saw was Pete, Bjorn and John for best new artist. They should have won. Gym Class Heroes are pretty good too, but still. This year’s VMAs made me miss the days of three pop queens writhig around in wedding dresses on stage tongue-kissing. Seriously. Seriously? Seriously.